Murder Scene Blogfest: Rage Fire
Author: Anastasia V. Pergakis // Category: "The Kinir Elite", Blogfests
Okay, here is my murder scene. It's graphic, to the point that it scared me when I first wrote it. I've never written anything this graphic in my life!
This is unedited, straight from my NaNo Novel from 2009. I named it originally "The Lost Wars" but I am thinking of changing the title to "The Kinir Elite" in order to turn it into a series.
So here we go, the opening unedited scene for "The Kinir Elite".
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Fire raged inside his soul while the house burned down around him. Derac Vidor struggled to get up the stairs to save the others in the building. He coughed violently and collapsed at the base of the stairs. Derac vagely realized his friend Tyn had thrown him over his shoulder and carried him outside the burning building. Derac landed with a thud in the cold snow, bringing him back to reality. The sight was beautiful, in a dark haunting sort of way. The flames ate the house bit by bit. The smell of burning flesh was thick in the air.
Screams could be heard from inside the building. Derac rushed to run inside but Tyn stopped him before he reached the door.
"You can't save them Derac!"
"Watch me!" Derac punched Tyn in the face. Tyn's head flew back from the force but he recovered quickly, punching Derac in return. Tyn wasted no time as he tackled his friend and held Derac's arms behind his back. Derac struggled but knew if he really fought Tyn's hold, it would break both his arms.
A blood curdling scream peirced the cool night air and a ball of fire exited the door of the house. She was on fire. Derac watched in agony as her flesh turned black and fell off her bones. She collapsed into the snow. The fire that consumed her went out, leaving her burned carcass against the stark whiteness of the snow around her.
Derac screamed in rage. Tyn let go of him and he crawled to her side.
"No! No! Maleena!!" Derac rolled the female elf over. He was horrified when her flesh came off in his hands. He screamed in agony looking at his palms. Every part of Derac's body filled with rage and pain. Tyn came up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder.
Derac shrugged it off, not wanting any contact with another being. He stared at Maleena's body, praying that she would come back. He waited to wake up from this nightmare, but he never did. He knelt there in the snow, next to his lover's charred body.
"Derac, there was nothing you could do."
"Yes. Yes, there was. I made a mistake Tyn, but I won't make it ever again." Derac stood.
"What is the plan?"
Derac took one last look at the blazing house before turning. His skin was blackened and he still coughed, but his stride was steady and true. Tyn made the sign of Rosis, the Goddess of Death, on his chest before following after his friend.
"We're going hunting."
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I hope you enjoyed it! Come back tomorrow for the Bar Scene Blogfest! And don't forget to sign up for my Body Language Blogfest!
This is unedited, straight from my NaNo Novel from 2009. I named it originally "The Lost Wars" but I am thinking of changing the title to "The Kinir Elite" in order to turn it into a series.
So here we go, the opening unedited scene for "The Kinir Elite".
-------------
Fire raged inside his soul while the house burned down around him. Derac Vidor struggled to get up the stairs to save the others in the building. He coughed violently and collapsed at the base of the stairs. Derac vagely realized his friend Tyn had thrown him over his shoulder and carried him outside the burning building. Derac landed with a thud in the cold snow, bringing him back to reality. The sight was beautiful, in a dark haunting sort of way. The flames ate the house bit by bit. The smell of burning flesh was thick in the air.
Screams could be heard from inside the building. Derac rushed to run inside but Tyn stopped him before he reached the door.
"You can't save them Derac!"
"Watch me!" Derac punched Tyn in the face. Tyn's head flew back from the force but he recovered quickly, punching Derac in return. Tyn wasted no time as he tackled his friend and held Derac's arms behind his back. Derac struggled but knew if he really fought Tyn's hold, it would break both his arms.
A blood curdling scream peirced the cool night air and a ball of fire exited the door of the house. She was on fire. Derac watched in agony as her flesh turned black and fell off her bones. She collapsed into the snow. The fire that consumed her went out, leaving her burned carcass against the stark whiteness of the snow around her.
Derac screamed in rage. Tyn let go of him and he crawled to her side.
"No! No! Maleena!!" Derac rolled the female elf over. He was horrified when her flesh came off in his hands. He screamed in agony looking at his palms. Every part of Derac's body filled with rage and pain. Tyn came up behind him and placed a hand on his shoulder.
Derac shrugged it off, not wanting any contact with another being. He stared at Maleena's body, praying that she would come back. He waited to wake up from this nightmare, but he never did. He knelt there in the snow, next to his lover's charred body.
"Derac, there was nothing you could do."
"Yes. Yes, there was. I made a mistake Tyn, but I won't make it ever again." Derac stood.
"What is the plan?"
Derac took one last look at the blazing house before turning. His skin was blackened and he still coughed, but his stride was steady and true. Tyn made the sign of Rosis, the Goddess of Death, on his chest before following after his friend.
"We're going hunting."
-----------
I hope you enjoyed it! Come back tomorrow for the Bar Scene Blogfest! And don't forget to sign up for my Body Language Blogfest!
Very haunting! I love the end when Derac says "We're going hunting."
The sight was beautiful, in a dark haunting sort of way. The flames ate the house bit by bit. The smell of burning flesh was thick in the air.
I love this. So very descriptive. Great job with the blogfest entry. :)
The last line was wonderful. I don't think it was too graphic. I think it was just graphic enough for what was happening.
Thank you everyone!
Interesting...but it's not clear from the scene that the fire was intentional...I'll take your word for it!
I like the last line. Want to see the hunting scenes!
Andrew - You don't find out until the very end of the book that it was intentional. Well you do get hints throughout from Derac's memories but nothing hugely substantial. HE knows it was intentional because of events that happened prior but I started the story there so it doesn't get mentioned in great detail. It's mostly just to show the reason why Derac is broken throughout most of the story.
This is a wonderful start to a novel, and I don't think it was too graphic either. You needed it to make the emotions real. Great job, and that last line is a great hook.
Short and haunting. Great post Harley! Some of the elements are graphic, you do well with the descriptions. Maybe you should do a week on description that still shows instead of tells. I need to work on that. Anyways, the murder scene is very dramatic and a good opening that pulls the reader right in.
Charity - Yea, it's not as graphic as a few of the other entries I have read, but it's the most graphic thing I've ever written about! I reread it after I wrote it and was like "Oh my gosh!" I shocked myself!
Great idea Dawn! I will do that! I was stuck as what to blog about this week so thanks for the idea!
Gah. The flesh coming off in his hands bit... ouch!
Nothing like some grinding angst, followed by a promise of vengeance. Nicely done, good lady!
This had a great hook, got me interested right away. I love the gothic undertones in the descriptions and setting. Great job.
I know Simon right? I read it after I wrote it and was like - WOW!
Raquel - Thanks! My poetry tends to be dark and gothic like this. This is the first time it really came out in a story - at least to this degree, so I'm glad it turned out well!
Very nice work, Harley! Well done! I thought this was seriously cool.
The detail of the flesh falling off the body at his touch is horrific and wonderful. Definitely a chilling and disturbing scene to witness! I really feel sorry for Derac.
Amalia - Horrific and wonderful - the best way to describe this I think! I'm glad I was really able to cement some sorrow for Derac before his character was fully introduced. Thanks!
I agree—it's not too graphic (like you, I've been reading some of the other entries—whoa).
Clearly this is a super high emotion scene, so I'd love to see it expanded even more!
Yes, Jordan I agree it needs a little more emotional aspect involved but since it was the most horrific thing for me to write down, I am afraid to even touch it! LOL
"His skin was blackened and he still coughed, but his stride was steady and true. Tyn made the sign of Rosis, the Goddess of Death, on his chest before following after his friend." I love the image of Derac striding away followed by Tyn.
Compared to the other posts I've seen this wasn't too graphic but I get what you mean about suprising yourself in a good way. This Blogfest is surprised me too!
Thanks Mia! I want to expand that part a little more to really get the stoic image across. But like I said before, I'm a little afraid to mess with the scene as it might get MORE graphic too!
What a terrific entry, Harley! The description of the flames was haunting. Fire is indeed fascinating and terrifying all at once. Loved the image of the flames eating the house "bit by bit." And the description of the burning woman was horrifying. Very powerful scene. Well done, you!
Thanks VR! I do want to add more to it, to make it more haunting, just scared to!
Wonderful descriptions. I didn't find it too graphic at all for what it was. Along with the other lines mentioned in the comments, I really your first line, as well.
Tara - Yea that first line has to be my favorite too! Thanks!
So obviously, I didn't keep track of the blogfests as well as I should have, but now I'm going to be checking your blog very closely, so I don't forget, again.
I thought your murder scene was great! I love the last line...and the detail of Tyn making the sign of Rosis. :)
Sarah - Tyn making that sign goes into the rest of the story as he ends up being a sort of "spiritual" one of the group. He blesses those that he kills etc. He reminds me of Athos from "The Three Musketeers"
Oh jeez! Poor guy! I completely felt for him. And I love that they got in a fight. I thought that was a great addition! Great job!