Q is for Query Letters

Author: Anastasia V. Pergakis // Category: ,


So I'm going to take care of two posts in one today Q for Query Letter and the Query Letter blog fest (which technically was yesterday!) and post up my Query Letter for Cleanse Fire. This is actually a full "cover letter" that one of the publishers I'm submitting to asks for, but it's the best query letter so far I think.

Enjoy! And please tell me what you think. (Unedited first draft)




Dear [Agent]:

Captain Derac Vidor would die for his country but before he can defeat a vengeful wizard, he must first open his heart to a love far deeper than he’s willing to explore.

Derac sacrifices everything for the sake of Kinir’s people. Haunted by those he could save, he throws himself into mission after mission. His world shatters when his own Commander tries to kill him and his team.

On the run, Derac and the team try to discover why their Commander betrayed them. Treason is only the beginning. No place is safe as their footsteps are shadowed by something even more sinister.

A wizard out for revenge, plots to kill them all. But he and Derac have more in
common than they realize. Who better than Derac to convince the wizard revenge
will not bring his wife back or each the pain of her loss? If only Derac can
face his own past in time to save the Kinir Elite.

CLEANSE FIRE: THE KINIR ELITE CHRONICLES, a Fantasy Adventure novel, is complete at approximately 75,000 words. It is the first book of a continuing adventure series. I currently have six more books planned, with plenty of room for more.

I plan to market this book on my own website and all three blogs I write for. I will also
be using social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, and Linkedin. The Kinir
Elite have their own website, where the characters roam free and write their own
blog. I also have plans for a virtual blog tour, a virtual book signing, and a
live book signings in Columbus, Georgia and surrounding areas.

A new author with a growing fan base, I have many large projects in the works. I am
owner of Inkwell University Writing Workshop, a place for writers to gather and
learn from each other online. I’m an avid member of the online writing
community, writing two blogs to support writers and share my experience in this
industry. I also design websites for authors, to help them set up their online
presence.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Anastasia V. Pergakis

8 Responses to "Q is for Query Letters"

Saumya Says :
April 20, 2011 at 12:22 PM

This is a good letter although my first concern is that it may be just a little too long?

Also, in the hook, I think changing "to a love far deeper than he's willing..." could be "to a love that he is not willing.."

makes it sound like the stakes are a bit higher.

Dawn Embers Says :
April 20, 2011 at 3:50 PM

So that is what the novel is about. Interesting.

It does feel long but I think that is because it does have a few extra elements that general query letters might not have. That and the formatting kind of went askew so I bet it's not quite as long as it "appears" here.

I like it for the most part but I think Derac's voice could be in it a little more. Having read his posts, it does feel like he is quite in this as much as he could be.

I hope the novel gets picked up. Wish I was brave enough to talk about series like how you mentioned the 6 books or more.

Anastasia V. Pergakis Says :
April 20, 2011 at 7:49 PM

Saumya: Thanks for the comment. Yes it is a little long, but the particular publisher requested all the extra info at the end, so, I just went ahead and posted the whole thing rather than JUST the query part. Thanks for the suggestion also!

Dawn: Thanks for pointing out the formatting. I fixed it! Blogger has been giving me major issues with spacing lately. Not sure why. HAHAH yes, I have them planned, and only 4 really outlined sort of thing. Thanks! I hope they get picked up too! LOL

Sari Webb Says :
April 21, 2011 at 9:42 AM

Hi Anastasia. I think you've got an interesting story here, and I love fantasy.

Since I don't know what extra info this publisher asked for, I'll base my comments (in caps) on if this were a normal query letter. Please just ignore anything you're already aware of.


Dear [Agent]:

Captain Derac Vidor would die for his country but before he can defeat a vengeful wizard, he must first open his heart to a love far deeper than he’s willing to explore. THE COMMA IN THIS FIRST LINE FEELS MISPLACED. I THINK IT WOULD FLOW BETTER WITH ANOTHER BEFORE 'BUT'. ALSO, HIS LOVE IS NOT MENTIONED AGAIN IN THE QUERY.

Derac sacrifices everything for the sake of Kinir’s people. Haunted by those he could save, he throws himself into mission after mission. His world shatters when his own Commander tries to kill him and his team.

On the run, Derac and the team try to discover why their Commander betrayed them. WHY ARE THEY ON THE RUN? CAN HIS WHOLE TEAM NOT TAKE ON THE COMMANDER? Treason is only the beginning. No place is safe as their footsteps are shadowed by something even more sinister.

A wizard out for revenge, MISPLACED COMMA, AND WHO IS HE OUT FOR REVENGE AGAINST? WHY? plots to kill them all. But he and Derac have more in
common than they realize. IS THE STORY TOLD FROM MIXED POV? IF NOT I'D KEEP THE QUERY IN DERAC'S POV. Who better than Derac to convince the wizard revenge will not bring his wife back or each the pain of her loss? I'M CONFUSED BY THIS. WHAT DOES 'OR EACH THE PAIN OF HER LOSS' MEAN? DID THEY BOTH LOVE THE SAME PERSON? If only Derac can
face his own past in time to save the Kinir Elite.

THE PREVIOUS THREE PARAS FEEL LIKE THEY'VE JUMPED AROUND QUITE A LOT. THEY GO FROM DERAC'S WILLINGNESS TO DIE FOR HIS COUNTRY, THEN OPENING HIS HEART TO LOVE (WHICH ISN'T MENTIONED AGAIN), TO DERAC'S COMMANDER BETRAYING THEM, TO BEING ON THE RUN (STILL NOT SURE WHY) TO GOING UP AGAINST A WIZARD OUT FOR REVENGE.

CLEANSE FIRE: THE KINIR ELITE CHRONICLES, a Fantasy Adventure novel, is complete at approximately I'D CUT 'APPROXIMATELY'. IT'S JUST ADDING AN ADDITIONAL WORD TO THE QUERY AND IS ASSUMED. 75,000 words. It is the first book of a continuing adventure series. I currently have six more books planned, with plenty of room for more. ONE THING I'VE SEEN A LOT OF AGENTS AGREE ON IS THAT THE QUERY IS ONLY FOR THE ONE BOOK, AND PREFERABLY IT SHOULD STAND ALONE. YOU MIGHT WANT TO REDUCE THIS TO: 'IT STANDS ALONE BUT HAS STRONG SERIES POTENTIAL'. THAT'S ALL THE AGENT WILL NEED TO KNOW. YOU NEED TO CONVINCE THEM WITH THIS BOOK, AND THEY CAN ASK YOU ABOUT OTHERS LATER IF THEY FALL IN LOVE WITH THIS ONE.

I plan to market this book on my own website and all three blogs I write for. I will also
be using social networks such as Facebook, Twitter, and Linkedin. The Kinir
Elite have their own website, where the characters roam free and write their own
blog. I also have plans for a virtual blog tour, a virtual book signing, and a
live book signings in Columbus, Georgia and surrounding areas.
I'M SURE THE PREVIOUS PARA WAS ONE OF THE THINGS YOU MENTIONED THE PUBLISHER REQUESTING, I'D SUGGEST LEAVING IT OUT OF A NORMAL QUERY THOUGH.

A new author with a growing fan base, I have many large projects in the works. I'D CUT THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE FROM A NORMAL QUERY. I am owner of Inkwell University Writing Workshop, a place for writers to gather and learn from each other online. I’m an avid member of the online writing
community, writing two blogs to support writers and share my experience in this
industry. I'D LEAVE OUT THIS PREVIOUS SENTENCE, OR JUST CUT IT DOWN TO 'I'M AN AVID MEMBER OF THE ONLINE WRITING COMMUNITY', ALTHOUGH I THINK YOU'VE ALREADY COVERED THAT WITH THE WRITING WORKSHOP LINE. I also design websites for authors, to help them set up their online presence. I'D CUT THIS PREVIOUS SENTENCE.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Anastasia V. Pergakis

Heather M. Gardner Says :
April 22, 2011 at 7:42 AM

Hi!
Wow. This sounds very interesting and fantastic.
I think its a good letter and only from my own experience will I mention a few things.
You wrote: Haunted by those he could save. Should that have been couldn't?
You wrote: will not bring his wife back or each. Should that have been ease?
Although an agent/publisher may love that there are other books in the series, they may not want you to name the number or say there is room for more. They may think you don't have a plan. Certainly that is my opinion and I could be completely wrong.
Best of luck with your exciting story and all your interests.

Anastasia V. Pergakis Says :
April 24, 2011 at 12:08 AM

Thanks Heather! I feel like such a dunce about those little errors you pointed out but thank you for showing them to me. :)

kold_kadavr_ flatliner Says :
October 30, 2017 at 6:03 PM

Earthling...
Q: what's the MOST important objective
N our lifelong demise determined by us?
A: achieving Seventh-Heaven: in the
Great Beyond, everythang is possible.

When our eternal soul leaves our body at death
and we riseabove to meet our Maker,
only four, last things remain:
death, judgement, Heaven or Hell
according to the deeds WEE mortals
have done in our Finite Existence.
Find-out what RCIA means and join.

PS° I'm a re-boot NDE:
if you're RIGHT,
you'll see the LIGHT -
follow that to the Elysian Fields.
Let's be tethered2forever Upstairs.

Make Your Choice -SAW

kold_kadavr_ flatliner Says :
October 30, 2017 at 6:03 PM

Earthling...
Q: what's the MOST important objective
N our lifelong demise determined by us?
A: achieving Seventh-Heaven: in the
Great Beyond, everythang is possible.

When our eternal soul leaves our body at death
and we riseabove to meet our Maker,
only four, last things remain:
death, judgement, Heaven or Hell
according to the deeds WEE mortals
have done in our Finite Existence.
Find-out what RCIA means and join.

PS° I'm a re-boot NDE:
if you're RIGHT,
you'll see the LIGHT -
follow that to the Elysian Fields.
Let's be tethered2forever Upstairs.

Make Your Choice -SAW

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