Line by Line Editing: Part Two: Bad Sentence Structure
Author: Anastasia V. Pergakis // Category: Editing/Critiquing
We all learn in English class that sentence structure follows the order Subject - Verb - Object (or predicate). You can then add to that with modifying phrases and clauses. The problems come in when there are too many modifiers or when the modifiers are in the wrong place.
Subject-Verb Connections
In a sentence with a subject that contains a noun modified by a huge string of phrases and clauses before the verb is hard to read. (Take the previous sentence there as an obvious example.)
Sometimes this is easily fixed by rearranging the sentence. Other times, it may require starting over or changing part of the sentence entirely.
If we rewrote the beginning sentence for this section to rearrange all the phrases before the verb, you have something like this: A sentence is hard to read when there is a long string of modifiers before the verb. The point is still presented but in a much simpler way.
Writers should also avoid long-winded modifiers before the subject. If a reader can't find the subject in a sentence, it causes a pause. Granted most readers are not LOOKING for the subjects directly, but if they become confused with a long winded sentence, they are likely to stop reading. This problem can be fixed by splitting the sentence into two, getting rid of needless phrases, or moving a few of the phrases to the predicate.
This example comes from a great book I read, "Line by Line: How to Improve your own Writing" by Claire Kehrwald Cook. Still persisting almost twenty years, after the assassination, with its truth or falsehood probably never to be convincely proved despite the negative conclusion of repeated investigations, the rumor of a conspiracy to kill President Kennedy has fueled yet another work of fiction.
Hard to read isn't it? The book continues on with a possible solution by splitting the sentence into two: Despite the negative conclusions of repeated investigations, the rumor of a conspiracy to kill President Kennedy persists, probably never to be convincingly proved or disproved. Now, more than twenty years after the assassination, it has fueled yet another work of fiction.
Personally, I would go further to rephrase and move the ending clause in the first sentence: Despite the negative conclusions of repeated investigations, the rumor of a conspiracy to kill Present Kennedy persists. More than twenty years after the assassination, the inability to prove or disprove the rumors has fueled yet another work of fiction. (On a personal note, I think that "convincingly" is a terrible adverb, so I did not keep it in my rewrite. If you prefer, it could be still be placed after "to" and before "prove".)
Misinterpretation
Writers can mean one thing in a sentence but a reader will take it in an entirely different way. This is due to having ambiguous words or phrases that contradict each other or appear to modify the wrong word.
Other times, it can be a word used the wrong way. Take the following sentence: The writer condemns heavily modified subjects and objects that they muddy the sentence structure. Most would think that "objects" is another noun (subjects and objects) but actually it's a verb (objects to). Using a different word helps clear the confusion here so the sentence reads better: The writer condemns heavily modified subjects and argues that they muddy the sentence structure. You can also take out the second verb entirely and replace "and": The writer condemns heavily modified subjects because they muddy the sentence structure.
Object Placement
Confusion in a sentence can also occur between verb and object or between prepositional phrases and object. The connection may not be clear and these two can often occur together.
Take the following sentence: Please read and let me have your views on the attached memo. There can be two sentences here "Please read the attached memo. Let me have your views on the attached memo." In the example, it is hard for a reader to connect the verb "read" with it's object "memo" as another verb and a preposition are in the way. It would be much better to rewrite the sentence like this: Please read the attached memo and let me have you views. Or you could even take out "read" entirely as it is a given that in order give an opinion on something, you have to read it first. Please let me have your views on the attached memo.
When two prepositions share the same object, it can be a common mistake to "shorten" the sentence by not repeating the object twice. I make this mistake a lot myself as to me it sounds more professional to write a sentence this way - but it's not true! He always consulted with, and asked the approval of, his friends. The two phrases in this sentence are "of his friends" and "with his friends". It is much better to write the sentence this way He always consulted with his friends and asked their approval.
Fixing the Problem
Read your work out loud in one way to find these common mistakes. If it doesn't sound right, it needs to be fixed. Think of how the reader will interpret the sentence. YOU may know what you meant to say, but the reader may not. Put yourself in the mind of a reader when going over your work to make sure that they understand it too.
Don't expect or demand readers to search for your meaning behind a sentence. True, readers are not stupid and so by rights they can figure out what you meant. But why make them pause at one sentence after another to reread? These stops and distractions dissolve whatever spell you are trying to weave. "Efficient writing makes effortless reading." (Claire Kehrwald Cook)
Subject-Verb Connections
In a sentence with a subject that contains a noun modified by a huge string of phrases and clauses before the verb is hard to read. (Take the previous sentence there as an obvious example.)
Sometimes this is easily fixed by rearranging the sentence. Other times, it may require starting over or changing part of the sentence entirely.
If we rewrote the beginning sentence for this section to rearrange all the phrases before the verb, you have something like this: A sentence is hard to read when there is a long string of modifiers before the verb. The point is still presented but in a much simpler way.
Writers should also avoid long-winded modifiers before the subject. If a reader can't find the subject in a sentence, it causes a pause. Granted most readers are not LOOKING for the subjects directly, but if they become confused with a long winded sentence, they are likely to stop reading. This problem can be fixed by splitting the sentence into two, getting rid of needless phrases, or moving a few of the phrases to the predicate.
This example comes from a great book I read, "Line by Line: How to Improve your own Writing" by Claire Kehrwald Cook. Still persisting almost twenty years, after the assassination, with its truth or falsehood probably never to be convincely proved despite the negative conclusion of repeated investigations, the rumor of a conspiracy to kill President Kennedy has fueled yet another work of fiction.
Hard to read isn't it? The book continues on with a possible solution by splitting the sentence into two: Despite the negative conclusions of repeated investigations, the rumor of a conspiracy to kill President Kennedy persists, probably never to be convincingly proved or disproved. Now, more than twenty years after the assassination, it has fueled yet another work of fiction.
Personally, I would go further to rephrase and move the ending clause in the first sentence: Despite the negative conclusions of repeated investigations, the rumor of a conspiracy to kill Present Kennedy persists. More than twenty years after the assassination, the inability to prove or disprove the rumors has fueled yet another work of fiction. (On a personal note, I think that "convincingly" is a terrible adverb, so I did not keep it in my rewrite. If you prefer, it could be still be placed after "to" and before "prove".)
Misinterpretation
Writers can mean one thing in a sentence but a reader will take it in an entirely different way. This is due to having ambiguous words or phrases that contradict each other or appear to modify the wrong word.
Other times, it can be a word used the wrong way. Take the following sentence: The writer condemns heavily modified subjects and objects that they muddy the sentence structure. Most would think that "objects" is another noun (subjects and objects) but actually it's a verb (objects to). Using a different word helps clear the confusion here so the sentence reads better: The writer condemns heavily modified subjects and argues that they muddy the sentence structure. You can also take out the second verb entirely and replace "and": The writer condemns heavily modified subjects because they muddy the sentence structure.
Object Placement
Confusion in a sentence can also occur between verb and object or between prepositional phrases and object. The connection may not be clear and these two can often occur together.
Take the following sentence: Please read and let me have your views on the attached memo. There can be two sentences here "Please read the attached memo. Let me have your views on the attached memo." In the example, it is hard for a reader to connect the verb "read" with it's object "memo" as another verb and a preposition are in the way. It would be much better to rewrite the sentence like this: Please read the attached memo and let me have you views. Or you could even take out "read" entirely as it is a given that in order give an opinion on something, you have to read it first. Please let me have your views on the attached memo.
When two prepositions share the same object, it can be a common mistake to "shorten" the sentence by not repeating the object twice. I make this mistake a lot myself as to me it sounds more professional to write a sentence this way - but it's not true! He always consulted with, and asked the approval of, his friends. The two phrases in this sentence are "of his friends" and "with his friends". It is much better to write the sentence this way He always consulted with his friends and asked their approval.
Fixing the Problem
Read your work out loud in one way to find these common mistakes. If it doesn't sound right, it needs to be fixed. Think of how the reader will interpret the sentence. YOU may know what you meant to say, but the reader may not. Put yourself in the mind of a reader when going over your work to make sure that they understand it too.
Don't expect or demand readers to search for your meaning behind a sentence. True, readers are not stupid and so by rights they can figure out what you meant. But why make them pause at one sentence after another to reread? These stops and distractions dissolve whatever spell you are trying to weave. "Efficient writing makes effortless reading." (Claire Kehrwald Cook)
0 Responses to "Line by Line Editing: Part Two: Bad Sentence Structure"
Post a Comment